El Roacho."
by Alan Smithee
Summary: An older fic that I did; this one only has minor credence to the direction I'm trying to go in as of right now, but it does serve as a cautionary tale to all fic writers out there to never, EEEEEVVVVERRR, write fan fiction under the influence of popular b


Legion of Super-Heroes script/Time Police starter: "El Roacho."  
  
Time Taking Place: Roughly 18 months into run or when the book's gained enough popularity to allow a spinoff mini or regular series.  
  
The vast majority of these characters are the copyright of DC Comics. This isn't as needed as a warning, but the writer doesn't want to get sued by The Man.   
If you have any criticism on this work, send it to ReLect0@aol.com. If you feel the need to flame this work, I got two words for you, SUCK IT!   
Anything else? Oh, yeah. Don't do drugs. Unless it is for good reasons.Ah, screw that, Smoke crack and worship Satan.   
  
  
Page 1,1(4 corner panel).Two Government people are walking near the Time Institute(Look like Mulder and Scully?)   
  
Guy:  
  
This looks like the place.  
  
1,2.   
  
Girl:   
  
I hope this guy will take the offer. He's the best at this stuff.  
  
1,3.   
  
Guy:  
  
I think this is where he would be.  
  
Girl:  
  
Let's go in.   
  
1,4.   
  
Guy:   
  
ALL RIGHT! WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU!  
  
Rond Vidar:  
  
I swear, you've got the wrong guy! I know nothing about any child pornography filtered here by the Khund government!  
  
Page 2. Top: Title.  
On each side lies a Roll Call: Seven characters left, eight right side("mug shots" on top.).At end of right side, creative team.  
  
Left:  
  
BRISK  
  
Real name: John Ryder.  
Powers: Controls heat and cold.  
  
FALSE PRETENSES LAD  
  
Real name: Dug Wyd.  
Powers: Able to travel through Hypertime at will.  
  
SATURN GIRL  
  
Real name: Imra Ardeen.  
Powers: Telepathy.  
  
DELUGE  
  
Real Name: Mikael Friedman.  
Powers: Weather control, minor lightning.  
  
LORI MORNING  
  
Real Name: Look up there, numbnuts!  
Powers: None really, but has a device that does.  
  
FERRO   
  
Real Name:Andrew Nolan.  
Powers: Can turn to Iron.  
  
BOOMBASTIC  
  
Real Name: Shane Matzner.  
Powers: Invulnerability, spewing forth green flames, immortality, psycho-creation, copying/amplifying other's powers.  
  
Right Side:  
  
ROND VIDAR  
  
Real Name: What are you, Stupid?  
Powers: Um, he knows a lot about time...  
  
GANDHI  
  
Real name: Gandhi.  
Powers: Absolutely none.  
  
ELVIS  
  
Real name: Elvis.  
Powers: See above.  
  
JOHN ADAMS  
  
Hey, let's get to the point, these guys don't have powers!  
  
NIXON  
  
Why are they here?  
  
HOWARD STERN  
  
Read the story, Stoopid!  
  
THAT WEIRD GUY FROM THE NISSAN COMMERCIALS  
  
Now, Let's get BIZ-ZAY!  
  
2,1.   
  
Guy:   
  
We aren't here for child pornography. We swear.  
  
Girl:  
  
We're here from the U.P. government. We want you to help us get a new police force.  
  
2,2.  
  
Rond:   
  
Why me? I'm not a secret police trainer, I'm just some dude with a kid porn fetish!  
  
Guy:  
  
So you admit you posess some of that filth?  
  
2,3.  
  
Rond(ashamed):  
  
Yes'm.  
  
Guy:  
  
We'll overlook it if you'll join up with our squadron.  
  
2,4.  
  
Girl:  
  
We are attempting to make a new, top-secret police force designed to go back through time to various intervals and kill the worst criminals and other bad people before they rise to power.   
  
3,1.  
  
Rond(puzzled):  
  
But wouldn't the taking of these people and their subsequent killings of "bad people" make paradoxes to the point where the universe could end?  
  
3,2.  
  
Guy:  
  
We originally thought that would be the case. However, we found two instances where people came from the time period they originally resided in and took up residence in the 30th century. Their existence here would be impossible unless it was all right.  
  
3,3.  
  
Girl:  
  
We only have to worry about what the hazards would be to the world.  
  
3,4.  
  
Rond:  
  
What about them? Will these cause any huge hazards?  
  
3,5.  
  
Guy:  
  
We are a step ahead of you. We built a supercomputer called "Bob". It has a simulated Earth from any time possible, with any changes possible. It also comes with free Internet access and a kick-ass DVD/CD-ROM drive. This computer will check out those things on paper and reveal what would happen to them  
  
3,6.  
  
Girl:  
  
Are you up to this?   
  
3,7.  
  
Rond:  
  
Eh, I have nothing better to do.  
  
3,8.  
  
Guy:  
  
Excellent. We'll set you up with some people we think will help you out.  
  
3,9. Legion HQ.   
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
I've just recieved a message from the U.P. that says they need four Legionnaires to come help get some people from the past for some reason.   
  
4,1.  
  
Cosmic Boy:  
  
Is this luck of the draw?  
  
4,2.   
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
No. Apparently, they want four certain people for their reasons. Me due to my skilled telepathy and background at the SP,  
  
4,3. you see FPL looking stone-faced.  
  
Box at top (possibly with Saturn Girl's symbol next to it.):  
  
Dug due to his HP background and ability to see exactly what would happen in each instance,  
  
4,4. You see Ferro looking puzzled, as if saying "Why me?"  
  
Box(same as top):  
  
Andy because he's one of a handful of people whose jump into the future didn't change anything,  
  
4,5. You see Boombastic making a "SUCK IT!" motion.  
  
Box:   
  
And Shane because he was recommended by some other helpers.  
  
4,6. SP headquarters. You see Brisk and Deluge in the office of the chief.  
  
Chief:  
  
To begin with, would either of you like some champagne?  
  
4,7.  
  
Brisk:  
  
Depends. Did it come from that joint your daughter was dancing in? Really tasty stuff there...  
  
4,8.  
  
Deluge:  
  
What? His daughter or the champagne?  
  
4,9.Brisk and Deluge high-five.  
  
Brisk and Deluge:  
  
BOTH!  
  
5,1. The Chief looks mad.  
  
Chief:  
  
QUIET! I opened this bottle because I'm finally getting a break from you! The United Planets called and said you were being assigned to a new task force.  
  
5,2.  
  
Brisk:  
  
But we don't wanna go! It'll take us too long to know how to bug them!  
  
5,3.  
  
Chief:  
  
Hush up, ya wuss. You just need to confirm seven entrants into a new team of time police.  
  
5,4.  
  
Deluge:  
  
Will we get babes? Lots of them?  
  
5,5.  
  
Chief:  
  
How does your dublin manage to run everything?  
  
5,6.  
  
Brisk:  
  
Years of practice.  
  
5,7.  
  
Chief:  
  
Get out of my sight!  
  
5,8. Leland McCauley's office.   
  
McCauley:  
  
Hmmm. According to this note, either we release the girl from her contract or else we'll be fined to oblivion.  
  
Crugg:  
  
Seems like an easy choice.  
  
5,9. Lori walks in.   
  
Lori:  
  
You wanted to see me?  
  
6,1.  
  
McCauley:  
  
We're releasing you to a patrol of the time waves. You're off the team.  
  
6,2.  
  
Time Institute. The government people look them over.  
  
Guy:  
  
Do you all know why we brought you here?  
  
6,3.  
  
Brisk:  
  
To put on loincloths and fight each other until only one person is left to lord over his enemies' corpses?  
  
6,4.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
No, it's because they want us to get various historical figures to join some top-secret underground organization, right?  
  
6,5.  
  
Guy:  
  
Well, yeah, kinda.  
  
6,6.  
  
Brisk:  
  
But I wa..wa..wanted to be an inaugrial member of the 30th century's finest Fight Club!   
  
6,7.  
  
Guy:  
  
Maybe later. Now, we've gotten each of you modified time machines. These are designed to hold three people, the two going to gather them and their person. They'll look like common phone booths, so no one will be weirded out. There will be some period clothing in each compartment, for the same reasoning.The first two back will get another assignment. And cake. Lots of cake.  
  
6,8.  
  
Girl:  
  
I've chosen the following teams. I've set the coordinates for Boombastic and Saturn Girl. Get in the phone booth or we'll shoot you.  
  
6,9.  
  
Boombastic(in thoughts):  
  
Let's see. Alone in the time bubble, with a cute babe. YEAH, BABY!  
  
7,1.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
I should remind you that I know what you're thinking. Stop thinking those things or else I'll fry your brain better than any of that stuff you keep giving out.  
  
7,2.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
EXCELLENT!   
  
7,3. Boombastic and Saturn Girl get into the time machine.  
  
7,4. They arrive in India.  
  
7,5.They step out in their clothes. Boombastic looks like a human version of the "Big Bad Wolf" character. Saturn Girl is wearing some older,flapper-esque type of gown(similar earrings.)  
  
7,5.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
Who are we supposed to get from here?  
  
7,6.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
I think he's leading that mob over there.  
  
7,7.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
Isn't that Gandhi?  
  
7,8. You see Gandhi over in the head of a mob.  
  
Gandhi:  
  
My people! We have beaten our oppressors! India is ours! This calls for a celebration!  
  
7,9. Gandhi starts doing disco moves.  
  
Gandhi:  
  
SHAKE, SHAKE ,SHAKE, SHAKE ,SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!   
  
8,1.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
I think I have a plan. Just take my thoughts.  
  
8,2.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
Okay.  
  
8,3. Saturn Girl slaps Boombastic in the face.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
I SAID GET THOSE THOUGHTS OUT OF YOUR HEAD!  
  
8,4.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
May we speak to the one you call Gandhi?  
8,5.  
  
Gandhi:  
  
That is my name, do not wear it out.  
  
8,6.Boombastic throws out a Green Flame.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
I am M'Atzn'r, God of Fire. This attractive little piece with me is Ar'dn, head of my otherworldly concubine and number one bitch!  
  
8,7.  
  
Saturn Girl(in thoughts):  
  
I'm going to get you for this, Shane...  
  
8,8.   
  
Boombastic:  
  
We have come in order to find you to come with us to our Heaven and be one of our fine evil-stoppers.  
  
8,9.  
  
Gandhi:  
  
Ah, that stuff doesn't work. I ain't down with that psychadelic stuff.  
  
9,1.  
  
Boombastic:  
(in thought):  
Dance! Quickly!  
  
(in words):  
  
We also have some phatter beats than you'll ever know.  
  
9,2.  
  
Boombastic finds some nearby turntables and starts working them. Saturn Girl dances toward them.  
  
Gandhi:  
  
Yes! Play that funky music, white boy! Say, concubine chica, my ears are cold. Would it be all right with you if I use your thighs as earmuffs?  
  
9,3.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
So, will you come with us and be with our team?  
  
9,4.  
  
Gandhi:  
  
Excellent! Now, let us get funky with our bad selves!  
  
9,5.The three return to the Time Institute.  
  
9,6.  
  
Guy:  
  
I see you brought Gandhi. Welcome to the 30th century.  
  
9,7.  
  
Gandhi:  
  
Hey. I see no hot babes. YOU USED ME, FIRE GOD! YOU AND YOUR CONCUBINE!  
  
9,8.  
  
Guy:  
  
What's he talking about?  
  
9,9.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
He smoked a lot of herb on the ride back.  
  
10,1.   
  
Girl:  
  
Excellent. Our next stop in this one will go to Dug and Ferro. Are you ready?  
  
10,2.  
  
FPL:  
  
We're ready, willing, and able.   
  
10,3. The government guy pushes Ferro in.  
  
Guy:  
  
Okay! See ya.  
  
10,4. Ferro and False Pretenses Lad end up in a club, late '50s.FPL's wearing a normal cop outfit, Ferro's wearing a hockey mask and a greaser-style look.  
  
Ferro:  
  
Isn't that...The King?  
  
10,5.  
  
FPL:  
  
Let's see. The King. alias for Elvis. Yep, we need to get him for this one.  
  
10,6.  
  
Ferro:  
  
Kidnap...The King?  
  
10,7.  
  
FPL:  
  
Look, we haven't got all day. I have a plan.  
  
10,8. Ferro and FPL go toward his dressing room.  
  
10,9.   
  
Elvis:  
  
Oh, mama, which ones do I choose to have my way with tonight? Let's see, I'll go with... all of them. Line up.  
  
11,1.  
  
FPL:  
  
Mr.Presley, sir?  
  
11,2. Elvis gets P.O.ed.  
  
Elvis:  
  
You BETTER not be in line for the lovin.'  
  
11,3.Ferro irons up.  
  
11,4.  
  
FPL:  
  
I just wanted to say...EAT IRON!  
  
11,5. FPL pushes Ferro onto Elvis.  
  
11,6.Elvis is knocked out.  
  
11,7.Ferro and FPL drag Elvis back into the time machine.  
  
11,8.  
  
Elvis:  
  
Where am I?  
  
11,9.  
  
Guy:  
  
You're in the 30th century.   
  
12,1.  
  
Gandhi:  
  
I hear you're a musician. Kick out some funked-up hard-core nazz-ass for our amusement!  
  
12,2.  
  
Elvis:  
  
Is this a dream? Last I remembered, some psycho fan pushed an iron statue of some guy on top of me...  
  
12,3.  
  
Guy:  
  
Good show, you two.  
  
12,4.  
  
Girl:  
  
The next part of this is set for Lori and Rond.  
  
12,5.  
  
Rond:  
  
EXCELLENT! Time to par-ty!  
  
12,6.  
  
Lori:  
  
Keep it in your pants, hot-shot. Let's go.  
  
12,7. They get out near a radio station.They're wearing the same stuff.  
  
Lori:  
  
I have experience with this guy's game. I've created an idea to get us in here. Play along, got it?  
  
12,8.  
  
Rond:  
  
I got it.  
  
12,9.   
  
Lori:  
  
Let's go.  
  
13,1. Lori and Rond are being approached by a guy.  
  
Guy2:  
  
That's amazing. You're on in there.  
  
13,2.  
  
Howard Stern:  
  
I've just recieved a new guest. Apparently, the world's youngest porno star is coming in to the studio.Let's welcome her in.  
  
13,3. Lori and Rond come in.  
  
Lori:  
  
Hello, Howard.  
  
13,4.   
  
Howard:  
  
So, let's get this straight. You're a 10-year-old, right?  
  
13,5.  
  
Lori:  
  
13.  
  
13,6.  
  
Howard:  
  
And you really act in porno films?  
  
13,7.Rond has a dreamy smile on his face.  
  
Lori:  
  
Since I was 10. This guy here is my manager and boy toy.  
  
13,8.  
  
Howard:  
  
This is amazing. You don't look a day over 15, even. I'm going to hell for this one.   
,9.  
  
Lori:  
  
Come on, if you haven't seen them you have no premise.  
  
14,1.  
  
Howard:  
  
Well, I have in here this month's Playmate. Would you be willing to have sex with her right here?  
  
14,2.  
  
Lori:  
  
Tell you what, you come with me and him and I'll sprock you till the cows come home.  
  
14,3.  
  
Howard:  
  
WILL ONE OF YOU TAKE OVER? I'M ABOUT TO GET SPROCKED BY A 13-YEAR OLD! What is "Sprock" anyway?  
  
14,4.  
  
Lori and Rond:  
  
You'll see. Get into the phone booth.  
  
14,5. You see them in front of the government guy.  
  
Guy:  
  
Welcome to the 30th century.  
  
14,6.  
  
Lori:  
  
Now you're sprocked.  
  
14,7.  
  
Girl:  
  
Our next one goes to the police.  
  
14,8.  
  
Brisk and Deluge:  
  
Awesome.  
  
14,9. You see them in front of the White House.Brisk's wearing Bell-Bottoms and a hippie-style shirt, Deluge's in a Leisure suit.  
  
15,1.  
  
Brisk:  
  
Where are we?  
  
15,2.  
  
Deluge:  
  
It looks like the White House.  
  
15,2.  
  
Brisk:  
  
Where are we?  
  
15,3.  
  
Deluge:  
  
It looks like around 1974.  
  
15,4.  
  
Brisk:  
  
You know what that means?  
  
15,5.  
  
Brisk and Deluge:  
  
FREE LOVE!!!!  
  
15,6. A hotel room. Brisk and Deluge are in two different, well-used beds. A goat is roaming around.  
  
15,7.  
  
Brisk:  
  
We're supposed to get who now?  
  
15,8.  
  
Deluge:  
  
The big guy.  
  
15,9.  
  
Brisk:  
  
Let's go.  
  
16,1.  
  
Deluge:  
  
We're here. Let's see. Fake search warrant?  
  
Brisk:  
  
Check.  
  
16,2.They get to the Oval Office.  
  
16,3.  
  
Brisk:  
  
Let's rock.  
  
16,4.  
  
Nixon:  
  
Who are you two?  
  
16,5.  
  
Deluge:  
  
WE'RE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES!  
  
16,6.  
  
Nixon:  
  
Where's my men?  
  
16,7.  
  
Brisk:  
  
Oh, they're just..."Chilling."  
  
16,8.   
  
Deluge:  
  
TO THE TIME MACHINE!  
  
16,9.  
  
Guy:  
  
You got him. Welcome to the 30th century.  
  
17,1.  
  
Nixon:  
  
Where? These guys kidnapped me! The President!I'll have your badges!  
  
17,2.Guy:  
  
I think I'll have Shane and Imra work this next one.  
  
17,3.  
  
They end up on a street-corner.Boombastic's wearing jeans and a "Bart Simpson" T-Shirt, Saturn Girl's wearing a typical Teen Girl outfit (Saturn symbol on the shirt.)  
  
Boombastic:  
  
I think I have another idea.  
  
17,4.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
If this involves me as your concubine, save it for later.  
  
17,5.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
You want me to go to your room later and play as if you're my concubine as I roger you roundly until daybreak?  
  
17,6.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
Um, no?  
  
17,7.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
I'm hurt. Really.  
  
17,8.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
You'll get over it. I got your idea.  
  
17,9. You see a meeting inside the room.   
  
18,1.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
Quick! Stop that! That's the guy!  
  
18,2.Boombastic shoots Green Flames at many people in the room.  
Top Box:  
  
In an instant, a wholly similar scene to the start of the team appears...  
  
18,3. One of the men came up to them.  
  
JOHN ADAMS:  
  
Why'd you do that? Now we're going to be under British rule now because some sociopath burnt everyone beyond recognition!  
  
18,4.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
Sir, you do not need to worry. I'll protect you from this guy. He's just...letting off some steam.  
  
18,5.  
  
Adams:  
  
Why is that?  
  
18,6.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
It's...nothing. His lover left him, and now he's pissed off.  
  
18,7.   
  
Boombastic:  
  
YOU DUBLIN! I'll get you for this!  
  
18,8.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
RUN!  
  
18,9. They run with John Adams chasing them.  
  
19,1. They lure him into the phone booth.  
  
19,2.  
  
Adams:  
  
Where am I...?  
  
19,3.  
  
Guy:  
  
Welcome to the 30th century. Fruit Roll-Up?  
  
19,4.  
  
Girl:  
  
We're going with Lori and Rond for the last one.  
  
19,5.They go in.  
  
19,6. They enter some barn. Both are dressed about the same as last time.  
  
19,7.  
  
Rond:  
  
There's a lot of cars here.   
  
19,8.  
  
Creepy Guy:  
  
Is that your girl over there? Chicks dig Trucks.  
  
19,9.  
  
Rond:  
  
She's not a chick. She's a hot babe.  
  
20,1.  
  
Creepy guy:  
  
Yes. Hold up. Little girl? Would you like a piece of candy?  
  
20,2.  
  
Lori:  
  
Come into that phone booth and we'll give you candy.  
  
20,3. The creepy guy goes in.   
  
20,4.They go in front of the guy.  
  
Guy:  
  
You're in a better place.  
  
20,5.  
  
Rond:  
  
That was great! You're a little cock-teaser waiting to happen, aren't you?  
  
20,6.  
  
Lori:  
  
That's what my parents always told me.  
  
20,7.  
  
Guy:  
  
Well, we've found the people who we plan to use in our Death Squad.  
  
20,8.  
  
All except Legion personnel:  
  
DEATH SQUAD?  
  
20,9.  
  
Girl:  
  
Yes. You were picked at random from time to go around killing the bad people.  
  
21,1.  
  
Guy:  
  
We have a seven man operation planned. We'll find points where people need to die,and you'll do that.  
  
21,2.  
  
Elvis:  
  
I only see 6 from time. Where's the other one?  
  
21,3.  
  
Guy:  
  
Well, we had Mr. Vidar join up earlier.  
  
21,4.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
WHAT? You're one of these murderers to be?  
  
21,5.  
  
Rond:  
  
I had to! Otherwise they'd rat on my kiddie porn!  
  
21,6.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
YOU HAD KIDDIE PORN?And you didn't share? Creep. Come on, Lori. We'll take you back to HQ.  
  
21,7.  
  
Guy:  
  
I'm afraid that's not possible.  
  
21,8.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
But it's only seven people!  
  
21,9.  
  
Girl:  
  
Well, the problem is that when the Workforce sent Lori over to help us, they gave us their papers as guardians. As her guardians, she's a member of the strike force.  
  
22,1.  
  
Lori:  
  
But I don't want to hang out with stuffy old guys all day killing people! I want to hang out with young guys and gals wounding people!  
  
22,2.  
  
Girl:  
  
I'm sorry. We are your guardians. You'll have to stay here until such time as you're available.  
  
22,3.  
  
Rond:  
  
You can sleep in my room. It's got a nice cot you can have.  
  
22,4.  
  
Saturn Girl(in thought):  
  
NOW! Say it!  
  
Boombastic:  
  
Sorry, but that girl's our baby sister.  
  
22,5.  
  
Brisk:  
  
She is? Oh, she IS!  
  
22,6.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
Mom wanted me to take care of her until Johnny settled down. And since I'm with the Legion...  
  
22,7.  
  
Guy:  
  
I guess she's with the Legion until you're gone.  
  
22,8.  
  
Lori:  
  
YES!   
  
22,9. Boombastic gets a huge shock and shakes like a viewer of Pokemon.  
  
Saturn Girl:  
  
Good job, Shane.  
  
Boombastic:  
  
You know, if the kid's going to be crashing with me, I might need a "Mommy" around tonight to keep her settled, YAAAGGHHAHAHAHAH!  
  
The End. 


End file.
